My life...from the beginning...part 1.

2015 is a new year....time to take this in a new direction.   This will also be in many parts as its hard to write for long with my kids.

Hi, My name is Momma, but the name from people who are not my children....Tonya (or Toni, depending on who you are).  I want to tell you about my present day happenings, but before that, let me just tell you about my past.  To let you get an idea about who I am and why I am. 

I was born in a small town in Arkansas.  I have two brothers who are older than I by 6.5yrs & 8yrs.  My parents were not high school graduates and neither had much of an education at that.  My father was a crop farmer, my mother had a variety of jobs (mostly cleaning), and so we were a pretty poor family.  They did make sure that my brothers and I had our needs met.  We ate a lot of beans and cornbread, which oddly enough I still like to this day.   The majority of our clothes came from yard sales and the same could be said for our toys.  The times we got new stuff was for Christmas. We didn't get all of our wants, but we tried to not to want for a lot.  My parents did their best with what they had.

My parents were "spare the rod, spoil the child" when it came to discipline.  Yes, I do understand the meaning of "get a switch", and the horrifying feeling of trying to pick one.  My mother we didn't fear much, as her bark was worse than her bite.  I had seen her throws silverware at my brothers though, always missing them, though she did break a tiny window in our front door once.  She had a temper, but kept it in check when it came to us.   My father on the other hand, well, I do believe he crossed the line from punishment into abuse a few times.   He had a mean back swing when it came to the hand, belt, switch, broom handle..etc.   You didn't cross my dad, he wasn't a nice person when he was upset, and I truly feared the man.   Looking back though, my dad worked long, hard hours.  He was up at the crack of dawn and home by almost bedtime.  The stress he had on him to make sure we what we needed couldn't have been good.  I am not making an excuse for how he did, but I do understand we had to push him past his breaking point many times for him to get the way he was. 

I was sick a lot it seemed as a kid and saw so many doctors for being sick.  I also had sores on my body that I would pick at, so I'd see docs for that too.  I always had a sore as a kid, whether my face or my legs...there was one on me.   I knew why I did it...but couldn't control it.  It is because of this when I usually got the belt.   Its sad really, a lot of my painful memories account for something I couldn't control.   Heck, I am an adult and still find myself doing it.  Its a texture issue, I can't handle the feeling of a scab and unless I psych myself up for it, if I feel it, it has to come off.   I do this in my sleep, I do this subconsciously when I'm awake.  I'll be doing something on the computer and realize that one hand is trying to remove a scab from my other arm.  Its frustrating, though as I age I am much able to stop myself.   

I had another issue as a child of banging my head on things.  I was told I did this a small tot, though I don't remember that, but I guess I wouldn't after all the concussions I caused myself.   I would bang my head against the wall/couch/ground/anything hard..etc and I would do this anytime I became upset.   As I got older I changed from banging my head to biting myself.   It became a way to control my anger, a way to calm me down since I was usually at a point of wanting to hurt someone else.  Inflicting pain upon myself helped me focus and think of the consequences of what would happen if I did what I truly wanted to.  It wasn't uncommon to see bite marks on my hands or arms, but usually no one ever noticed, so I didn't care.   I did it up until my teenage years till one day I bit so hard I think I screwed up a few nerves in my hand.  I had lost feeling in my thumb and finger for a very, very long time.  It was the time I realized that if I didn't stop, I was going to end up doing some major damage.    I learned to refocus my anger, though I still haven't been able to get myself to calm as fast as biting did it.   I don't know why I just told ya'll that...I guess because it was apart of me. 

I grew up wearing dresses/skirts.   My mother became a member of the Pentecostal church when I was about 2, from that point on till I was 16, I was forced to attend church with her anytime she found an open door at one.   I was never allowed to wear pants or shorts and the only time I ever got to wear them is if I so happen to at a relatives/friends house and they snuck some on me. I do remember being allowed to wear a one piece swimsuit till I was about 7/8 and then after that I was allowed to wear shorts to go swimming in.  Yay for the fact that my mom realized swimming in skirts was a lil restricting and ridiculous.   Do to being pentecostal I also had extremely long hair to go along with my long dresses.   I also remember being made fun of a lot in school for my clothes...being poor and pentecostal just made me one hell of a target it seemed.  

I didn't have many friends in school.  I dealt with being made fun of a lot.   It didn't really start until first grade and I blame my teacher for that.   You see back then I shared a room with one of my brothers and he let our dog sleep in bed with us.....plus I'd play with that dog all the time.   So at school one day my teacher called me to the front of the class and berated me that I smelled like a dog.  So from that day on the other students in the class wouldn't talk to me and called me names.  They told me I was smelly like a dog and ugly like one too.   Even when we didn't have that dog anymore, I still was told the same stuff over and over again.   I became an outcast, the low kid on the totem pole, and kids didn't want to be around me.   It was hard dealing with it all, so many days I wanted to hurt them like they were hurting me....they were just lucky I bit myself instead of beating the snot out of them.   The only true friends I had back then were the ones who knew me outside of the school, or they  were outcasted from the rest.    I had the same tiny group of friends until 10th grade, till my group of friends opened up just a small smidge.    Its amazing how some people can change their point of view about someone when they are forced to be around them more.   

Fairy Godmothers

Hans Christian Andersen once said that Life itself is the most wonderful fairy tale. If he is correct then the question I must ask is Where is my fairy godmother. 

When life gets out of hand and spins spiraling out of control, are we not supposed to be assigned a Fairy Godmother?  Someone who will come along and wave her wand and set the world back right? Someone who will make all the bad go away..someone who will put a smile on your face again?  To help guide the lost to be found. 

I want my fairy godmother. I need her more than anything.  I have so many things going wrong in my life, so much chaos in my heart and my mind, I NEED my fairy godmother.  She needs to appear, to wave her wand, to change my clothes from the slums to a beautiful gown.  To make beautiful again.   To fill my heart with happiness and joy.  Where is she.  Why has she not appeared to me yet.  WHy do I not deserve a happy life. Why has she deserted me at a time I feel like I need her most.  I am lost in the desert, wondering around broken, just praying for my fairy godmother to guide me, fix me, and return me to where I am loved and my soul will shine the brightest.    Where is my fairy godmother to grant me my hearts greatest desires.  Please Fairy Godmother, please come help. I'm at the edge of my cliff and feel myself falling.   Please Fairy Godmother, save me.  

Lost

I feel lost...completely lost.   I feel that most people my age have a direction in life, a point in the distance they plan to reach.  They may not have a specific map, but they know where the end of their destination lies.   I, well I am wondering around in circles.   My compass is broke, the sun never rises and sets the same every day, the moon refuses to show itself from behind the clouds, and there is nothing to see but miles and miles of sand. 

Where is point of ending...or at least my point of being? Do I keep traveling in the same direction, trekking my way in the vast openness?   Do I turn left and see if my feet shifts more easily step by step? Or do I turn around, try to step where I've already been in hope to see if I've stumbled over my path but didn't see it the first trip. 

I'll continue on as I am...putting one foot in front of the other.  Struggling to finish my journey.

Me

I feel like down I am falling
For help I keep calling
No hand within my reach
No ears to hear me beseech

Save me..save me, please!

Pieces

Life, it can change in a blink of an eye.  One second everything is smooth sailing and in next, rough waters are taking over your ship.  You try your best to keep everything a float, only you lose control and find yourself at the bottom of the sea.   You then wonder if you were the best captain that you could have been.  Did you chart your course properly?  Should you have set sail at a different time?  Should you have taken that left turn at Albuquerque?   Wait, there is no Albuquerque on the ocean.  Perhaps that is where you went wrong.

 This is currently my life.   I felt everything was going just as planned...then bam..the plans were torn to shreds and strewn all over the place.   I am beyond stressed and trying to maintain a strong outward appearance is killing me.On the inside I am shattered in a million pieces with no one in sight to help me gather myself together.    I am better than I was....I am no longer breaking a part.  The pieces can't break apart anymore than they are...  I am humpty, fallen from the wall, just waiting on being put back together. 

I am currently on the search for the glue to hold the pieces together.  Each time I think I have found the perfect strength...the pieces loosen and fall to the ground again.  Then once again search then starts all over.   I am hoping I find it soon.  I don't like being broken...I am ready to be whole again. 

One day at a time...one day at a time.  I do know I will fix myself...I know I will.  I just need to find that darn glue. 

The injustice of a dog.

“A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.”― Josh Billings

Like most of the US, I spent a good portion of my childhood owning a pet.  The majority of those pets were dogs and the majority of those dogs were pitbulls.  Sheba, Nikita, Max, and Rex..just to name a few.  They were some of the greatest dogs to have...very loving and very protective of us all.

These days, pitbulls are being massacred...one by one.  You might say, "its because the breed is a killing breed", and then I'd label you an idiot, who knows nothing but what you are fed by the media.  While yes, it is true that there have been some members of the breed that have killed....its only a small portion of the breed as a whole.  A good portion of those dogs were raised by morons, people who would fight them to the death against each other....they were trained to be bringers of death.   What do you expect from a dog that has been brainwashed his whole life to be a killer?  It is because of these few, the rest have to suffer from human stupidity. I know some are going to bring up the pits who were raised from puppy and then turned as an adult dog.  Well, you give me one breed of dog that this NEVER happens with......... I'm waiting.

Every dog has the ability to turn on a person.  We only hear about the "vicious" breeds because they are the only ones that can really do damage when they bite.   ALL breeds of dogs will bite and have the tendency to be aggressive.  I have seen COUNTLESS little dogs (chihuahuas, terrier breeds, dachshunds..etc) display aggressiveness and their owners laugh it off. They laugh because most of these small dogs will not cause much harm.  Lets put a chihuahua in one room, a pit bull in another room....both who are acting like they want to tear a person apart....now put people to view each dog from a window.  The people in front of the chihuahua would be laughing saying things "haha, look at the big bad monster, he thinks he's a big dog".  The people in front of the pit bull would be shaking their heads, wanting the dog put down...saying things like "He's a killer".   

Its unfair...the way all vicious breeds are treated.  To destroy a group because the actions of a few is wrong and unjust.  I guess I shouldn't expect much better from the American race though.  Look at most of us...we have a group in a race of humans who commit horrible acts, and we have condemned the race as a whole.   Yet, when we have AMERICANS who go out and commit horrible acts, we condemn the individual person...because to say all americans are murderers, we would be calling ourselves evil.  

I do not understand why we expect animals to be better than humans.  We constantly say that we are the most advanced species on the planet, but we expect our dogs to react to situations better than we would ourselves?   An example...  you had received a pretty nasty cut on your side, one bad enough you had to receive a lot of stitches for.... you are going to be pretty sore.  Lets say that someone accidently hits that spot on you...what is your first reaction?  You are probably going to yell at them...and depending on the pain, you might even hit them back.  If this same situation were to happen with an injured pit...well, they can't yell at you to back away.  They can't tell you that hurt....they don't have the ability to verbalize that  into words.  What does a dog do...most of them will nip/bite back at you.  It is then that people get all up in arms over it, demanding that vicious dog to be put down.   Sad...just sad. 

I have a friend who had a pit bull that recently was ordered to be put down by a judge. The crime, she bit a child.  I never saw the injury, but from the information I was told, it was a small bite...probably more of a warning bite.  The pit was 8yrs old, she had no prior aggressiveness, loved everyone the same, was a kind and gentle dog.  The reason I believe she bit...she had recently been injured and her wounds were healing.  The dog was in her own yard, on a leash, playing with the kids, and one of the kids probably touched her in her injured area, it hurt, and she bit.  The parents of the child called the police and of course the dog had to be quarantined for 10 days.  Standard procedure.  Once the 10 days were up, they had to go to court...where the judge ordered the dog to be put down, or the owners to go to jail.  Now, here, I would have went to jail to fight for my dog...but they chose to have the dog put down as they couldn't afford jail time.    So, can someone tell me how a dog with no priors, in its own yard, on a leash, up to date on shots, that was healing from an injury and reacts by sending a warning bite...deserves to die?   It doesn't, if this had been a poodle, there wouldn't have even been a court issue over it.    I have heard that the judge orders the pitbull to always be put down, no matter what had happened.  If this is true, I do believe someone needs to investigate this judge. It seems he might have his own agenda against dog breeds labeled as vicious.

Its time for everyone who has a "vicious" dog breed to stand up and be their dogs advocate.  We can not allow this type of injustice to continue.  Be your dogs voice...be all dogs voice.  Demand fairness across the board!  If one dog gets put to sleep because of biting, then demand the same for all breeds.  DEMAND IT FOR CATS, too.  Demand that pet owners who train their dogs to be fighters and killers to be put behind bars!  Demand that owners who mistreat their pets to be put behind bars!!   TAKE  A STAND!  ADVOCATE!  Our pets deserve it...all pets deserve to be treated fairly!

7/22/2012--friendships

During the course of our lives, we make various amounts of friends.  Now, usually these are people who you are in close contact with and live near each other.   However, sometimes, through different networks, you have friends who you'll never meet face to face in person, but who you hold to your heart so dear.


I have a group of friends who are all moms of July '06 kids and I also have a smaller group of friends who are moms of Dec'00 & Jan'01 kids.  Among both groups, a few of us have met each other in person, but the majority of the group hasn't met the majority of the rest of the group.  So technically...we are pretty much strangers....we are the closest group of strangers you will ever meet.


The best thing about our group...we are a no holds barred type group.  There isn't a single thing off limits to talk about and discuss among us.  Once you discuss what the consistency of what your mucus plug looks like as it is coming out, there is no line that can be crossed.  We've talked about our sex lives, any personal feminine issues, our love lives, our health, our finances, our families, and anything/everything else you can think about....even politics.  There is nothing to be ashamed to talk about with them...

You might think "doesn't that bring up a lot of petty bickering/drama/crazy competitiveness in between the group" and the answer is no.  We are a non judgmental group full of complete diversity who welcomes each other with open arms.  We have straight members, lesbian members, christian members, atheist members, democrats, republicans, single, married, rich, poor, tall, short, thin, plump, white, asian, black, brown, probably a blue member somewhere in the mix (lol), new moms, young moms, older moms, nymphomaniacs, prudes, blondes, brunettes, red heads, moms of one, moms of many, and raving nut cases (I belong in that one. ;) ).   When one of us is angry, the rest of promises to be an alibi. When one of us is happy, the rest throw streamers.  When one of us hurts, the others hurt.  If one of us suffers a loss, we all feel it.   If one of us is suffering a trial in their life, we bond together, offer advice, love, and anything else to help them overcome.

There isn't another group of women in the world that I would want to be friends with.  I appreciate these women with my whole heart.  I wish everyone else in the world got to experience this kind of friendship, love, and devotion.  If the rest of the world could act this way to one another as we do in our group....we'd be living in a land of peace, love, and happiness.....and days of sexual marathons...because apparently most of us are hornballs.  ;-)

June 16, 2012--Pippi

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.  ~ Roger Caras. 

I, like many people across the globe, am a pet owner.  I own not just any pet though, I have a dog.  Not a cat, not a bird, not a hamster....a dog.  As a matter of fact, I own two dogs...but this post is only about one.

Pippi is my pet...she is my companion. She is one of my friends....as a matter of fact, she is probably my best friend.  She loves me, but I wouldn't say unconditionally though.  She, as most dogs do, expects the basic necessities to survive in return....that I am grateful to give. 

Pippi is Jack Russell mix, who came into my life in November of 2007.  Our neighbors friends had found her when she was only a new pup, wandering the busy streets in Fayetteville.  She was, at first, our neighbors dog.  They would put her outside and let her run around all day.....it was freezing outside.  During the first week they had her, she spent a lot of time in my house.  During the second week, she became my dog.  We took her to the vet, who determined that she was only was born around in September...so that meant when she was found running around, she was only 7-8wks old. Not sure how a pup that small ends up running around a small city...but she had been. There was no one trying to locate her, so either they didn't care, or turned her loose on purpose.

When I chose Pippi's name, I didn't name her my usual list of dog names.  August, at the time, wasn't very verbal.  He could say puppy pretty well, so I thought I'd go with something easy for him... so Pippi it was.  I've always loved Pippi Longstocking, and since this dog had explored so much for a pup her size, and overcame so many obstacles with no fear.... Pippi seemed perfect.  

Pippi is now almost 5 years old.  In dog years that makes her 32-33 years old....she is almost my age.  She is showing her age very well, as she no longer wants to run off through the neighborhood.  Now if she manages to escape, instead of trying to elude you, she rolls over with this "screw that, take me back inside please" look.  lol.  She is still playful, but prefers long walks than playing with a ball.  She will lay by me any chance she gets...if I am in the computer chair, she'll lay in the floor at my feet.  She has become a lap dog I guess you could say.  It's amazing how much love you can have for a dog...... I guess I shouldn't call her a dog...perhaps four-legged human would be better.   

I know there is a day that I will no longer have Pippi.....because dogs have been given short life spans unfairly.  Luckily for me, Pippi has a life span of around 12-15 years...so with that in mind, as long as we keep her healthy and well cared for, I have another 7-10 years.  Which, I guess in the grand scheme, is a good amount of time compared to other breeds who have much shorter spans.   No matter how much time she has left, I will love her and cherish  her always....even when her sands have ran out, she will always be in my heart. 

<3

June 15, 2012--Glutton for Chaos

I try to be a nice person.  I try to not loose it and keep my calm and my wits. However, when one has a house full with seven kids, a calm persona doesn't always happen.  It doesn't happen especially when one of those seven suffer from a severe entitlement complex.


Lets start from the beginning.  I am currently playing emperor to seven kids.  Yes, you read that right....SEVEN kids.  Yes, I lost my mind when I agreed to take on this task.  Now, only six of these kids are mine, the seventh, is my four youngest children's 10 (11 soon) year old uncle, Andrew.   He is here to let his mom have a break and to learn some respect.  


Andrew suffers from "world must revolve around me" syndrome.  To say he thinks he's entitled would be putting it lightly.  He has a superiority complex like no other.  He will talk down to you like you are beneath him and this is one of the reasons he is here.  I, unlike his mom, am not bound by a wheel chair and can get up to put him in his place when he gets mouthy.  I have no problems standing toe to toe with him to let him know that No, little boy, you do NOT speak to me in that manor.

I know what you all are thinking...WHY would I allow that much more chaos in my house.  Well, why not...I am a glutton for chaos...lol.  Now, he's not like this all the time.  When he first arrived, yes, there were constant issues. He has since learned the throne he arrived on has been thrown out into the street, and I am the EIC (empress in charge) with the only throne in this house.  I do deal with petty crap from him all day, no different than my 12yo/going on 25yo daughter. He does have one big screw up a day though. It never fails....at least once a day he has to try to step on my toes......once a dang day.

Andrew is never happy.  If you think this is my fault, you'd be so wrong.  I do everything I can to keep him happy AND to keep things fair.  However, it always ends up being a Damned if I do, damned if I don't situation.  I'm almost to the point of saying screw being fair to everyone, even him, because he's going to whine no matter what anyways.   I know this is because he thinks he'll get to go home if he's whiny enough...haha..yeah, sorry, that'd be rewarding his behavior...NOT HAPPENING.

Now, my calm persona.....well, its on vacation till Andrew leaves.  I have an autistic 11yo child, a drama queen 12yo, a 5yo drama queen, then 4yo, 2yo, and 1yo boys.....so you would think that playing warden to a ADHD kid wouldn't be too far of a stretch.   Yeah, well, hahahahhhaha... my patience is getting a work out like no other.  I am doing well though....I haven't duct taped him to a ceiling...yet. ;)   Now, normally when I'm having a stressful day with my kids, I tell myself "I wanted this many, and its illegal to sell them"......  well that saying doesn't quite work when one isn't yours...lol.   Now, my saying is "Breathe".  Just breathe...  I got through today and I will get through tomorrow...and I may end up in a white straight jacket before its all over.   BUT I will mold this kid into a respectable hoodlum if its the last thing I do!!  


For some reason, I feel like I should sign off here with saying CHARGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Hahaha.  However, I will end with this.  We take on challenges in life to not only strengthen ourselves, but to help strengthen others.  These challenges are not easy, they are not a walk through a park, heck, they may even been worse than taking a walk through hell.  We MUST finish...you may end up at the finish line worn, tattered, and exhausted..but will finish in better shape than we started out.   

May 7, 2012. Socks

May 7th, 2012

One day, someone is going to ask how my morning went.....and the flood gates of everything is going to open.  The stress of every morning for the past school year is going to come out in one big, run on blurt....and the one who initially asked, is going to run away screaming.

Every morning it has been the same thing..... a search party for socks.  If you have kids, you can understand how something as simple as socks can almost put you in a straight jacket, in a padded room.  Now of course, the school year didn't start out like this.  There was about 3 weeks of instant sock availability, you know, the new socks that had been purchased and stuck in their sock drawers.   Once those ran out, the morning chaos began.   You see, thats when the start of "where the heck is this socks mate?!?!?!?" began.   Yes, for some reason, finding the mate to socks is a near impossible feat.

I, at first, was blaming my washer and dryer for the missing sock...that perhaps there is a sock gremlin living somewhere in either one.  Maybe even one of the lil  green men from the secret world of O.G. was in there stealing the socks.  However, I think I've come to the conclusion that both the kids socks are not even making it to the laundry basket.  I do believe the kids are taking their socks off, throwing one in the trash and putting the other in the laundry basket.....just to screw with my head.  Yes, I think the kids are getting their thrills this way...this way they can claim innocence, but still be guilty as sin.  I do imagine my panic search at 6:30 every morning must be quite entertaining for them to keep up this game of "make mom go insane" to continue on for this long.  Now, I know what you are thinking..."Hey, why don't you find socks the night before"...and my answer, well, because I'm an idiot and never remember at night..lol.

I only have to suffer through this for two more weeks till school is out.....thankfully.  Lets all cross our fingers that next school year, the kids find another game to play, because this one, is about to make me say screw the socks, and just forcing them to wear a box for a sock.

Socks, socks, where are the socks.
They are not in the toys, not hiding under the blocks.

Socks, Socks, where are the socks.
 I've looked every where, even outside under the rocks.

I've looked by the lake and checked all the docks,
I've looked in the woods and even checked under a fox.
I've looked in the swamp and even a family of crocs.

Socks, socks, where are the socks.
I can't find a single one, I even checked in our clocks.
I think we have a thief, perhaps its time to change the locks.

~Tonya Smyth~

January 16, 2012 -- Movie Day

January 16, 2012 (although it is now officially past midnight and now the 17th..lol)

Today was Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, and amazingly, the kids had the day off from school.  So, since there was no school, I decided to take the girls to see Beauty and the Beast 3D.  This is a movie I have loved since I was a kid.  To watch it again as an adult in the theatre, in 3D even, was truly a great experience.  I even found myself shedding a few tears during the sad scenes...yes, I am a big sap.   My oldest had seen it before, but I'm not sure if my youngest had.  Either way, they both really enjoyed watching it with me, and I was so happy to experience it with both of them in 3d.

Isis had her very first theatre experience today.  After we gave our stubs to the ticket guy and started heading down the hallway toward the movie, she started to panic.  She really had no clue what was going on, and was very scared about the unknown.  We got there early (and lucked out on great seats..woot!), so nothing was on the screen and the theatre room was pretty dark.  She kept whining about wanting to go home, but after about 10 mins when other kids started to pour in, she calmed a bit.  The surround sound during previews she did NOT like at all.  She doesn't like loud volume and that was way above her comfort level.  She cried and whined about wanting the sound to be turned down, and there for a bit, i honestly thought we may have to go home.  However, once the mini movie for Tangled 2 came on....she was in awe.  She sat still and was laughing while watching.  YES!  Of course, the credits started playing for that and she thought it was time to go home..haha.  She LOVED watching Beauty and the Beast.  She didn't keep her glasses on the entire time...I think they bothered her some (small head, not so small glasses..lol), but she did better than what I thought she would. 

Patrick got to spend some alone time with the boys today while we were at the theatre.  HAHAHAHA!!!  Yeah, that didn't go over too well.  He was ready for me to get back home and quick.  He really lost his patience with Justice and Wyatt.  Now he maybe he'll be more knowing of what I have to go with them.  He lucked out that Brenden was asleep the entire time I was gone..and August stayed in his room on his laptop the entire time.  Next time its supposed to be him taking the boys to the movies, but I'm just not seeing that happening.

Movies!! OMG...at the end of March will be the first movie Justice will see.  Its called THE PIRATES..and well, about pirates.  It looks cute as heck and its also in 3d.  I think Justice will LOVE it.  This summer Brave and Finding Nemo 3D also come out and I will be sooo in line for both of those...especially Nemo.  Is it sad that I think I get more excited over cartoons than the kids? 

Anyways, there was part of my day...the rest was spent relaxing and making vegetable/beefy stew/soup stuff.  It was yummy.    Now I'm sitting here watching Nick Jr. with Wyatt..hoping he falls to sleep soon.  I'm ready to curl up under my dinosaur quilt (don't laugh, but its the only quilt that I have that isnt too heavy or too light...and big enough to share with Wyatt as Patrick sleeps with his own comforter...lol) and head off to snoozeville.  I hope you all have a wonderful day/night/afternoon...whenever you're reading this.  *hug*

December 2011

I'm discovering that each time I promise myself that I'll blog more, less I remember to do it.  The months keep flying by and I'm hanging on by a thread.  It seems crazy.

Its December, and well, December is almost over already.  2011 is almost coming to an end and the year 2012 will be here.  

First, December.  This is always a month full of mixed emotions.  Its a time of family togetherness, but also a reminiscence of those who are gone.  Whether they left us recently, or years ago, they hang out in our hearts and mind heavily this month.  We try to keep up our smiles, our laughter, our joy to not damper the spirit of the holidays, even if inside we are breaking apart like a dropped glass ball ornament.

This month symbolizes so many things to so many people.  Some people use it for the celebration of the birth of Christ, some use it to celebrate the spirit of giving with Santa, and others use it to trash others beliefs.  I've never understood the whole "Christmas" issue.   Who cares what someone else believes in...really.  No matter what you believe about the day, it should be a celebration of family.  Sure, some will say that family should be celebrated every day of the year.  Yes, that is true, however, due to everyone having such chaotic schedules, celebrating with family is difficult.  Plus, if you bought gifts for your family all the time, do you REALLY think they would be as appreciative?  I know most children wouldn't...  It is truly nice to have ONE day a year to celebrate with those you love....whether you spend it with your immediate family or extended family, or even friends.  (Thanksgiving is a celebration of giving thanks to what we have.....Christmas is a celebration of family/friends and just life...at least, in my opinion.)

Second, the end of 2011.  Wow, Already...  I'm a little in shock about it really.  Its getting harder and harder to keep the years separate as they seem to fly by as I get older.  This year, I'll remember a little more than others as this year was met with so many heartaches.   So many angels grew their wings this year.  Two in particular meant a whole lot to me and my family.   I believe Heaven grew 3x wide this year...  What I wouldn't give to just have this year start all over from the beginning....to get back things lost, even if just for a short period of time. 

I look back and reflect....to never forget those I love, and pull the memory of them into the new year.  2012, here I come. 

September 20, 2011--September 11, 2011

I'm a lil behind on publishing blogs.

September 11th, 2011.

Heaven turned 12 years old.  TWELVE!!!!!!  Where did the time go?  It doesn't feel like its been twelve years ago since she was born, but time doesn't lie nor can it be cheated.  Her attitude speaks volumes too for her age.  She has that whole "I'm almost a teenager and know everything" attitude about her..lol.

We were living in Alaska at the time she was born.  I am pretty sure the snow hadn't started to fall yet, but did not too long after.  I remember it being freaking cold there as we hadn't lived there but only for a few months and had not acclimatized yet. 

Her birth, such a pain...literally..haha.  I would start having extremely painful contractions, they'd give me meds for pain and the contractions would stop.  I'd then be sent home, only to go back a few hours later when the contractions would start back up.  This went on for two days before they stopped giving me stuff for the pain and made me wait it out for a few hours before giving me something again.  I pretty sure they finally gave me my epidural when I grew three heads and started to sound like satan.     You'd be bitchy too if you had them shoving their hands up in you to put some sort of electrode monitor on your baby's head.  Have I mentioned that pain and I do not get along?

My epidural, the wonder drug, was only half miraculous.  I ended up only being completely numb on one side of my body, the other side, while not completely able to feel, was still able to feel. So when it came time to push...yeah, no, I wasn't the least bit happy.  Then of course, she had to be stubborn and get stuck on my pelvic bone.  They used a freaking vacuum to get her out..and OMG!!! it would "pop" off I guess and every time it did, the pain was excruciating.  I was pretty upset.   FINALLY (after 2hrs of pushing) she was out and things were hunky dory.

We lived in Alaska for the first 2 years of her life. We were living there when her 2nd birthday came around and the towers fell.  I was told I was a horrible person for celebrating her birthday that day when people were loosing their lives.  I was told for the following years that celebrating her birthday on that day made me a bitch.  Yeah, I told many people to F-off.  While 9-11 was a tragic event, the celebration of my childs life was something I was not going to postpone.

Heaven has seen so much already in her 12 years of life.  She's seen more of the US (granted she doesn't remember half of it..lol) than most people see in their entire life.  She's not done yet either as I have some pretty big moves for her coming up.  She's such a smart kid....her test scores are always through the roof.  It is because of this, I'll never deny her an opportunity to better herself.

Its hard to imagine that within a few more years she'll be out of my home and on her own.  *sigh* Time passes too quick.

July 13, 2011--Random thought...I love you.

To all those I've lost, will lose, and will lose me...I cherish you, I love you. My love for you is bigger than the universe is wide, brighter than the sun shines, and stronger than anything on earth. Just remember that.

June 1, 2011--Gas Math

I keep hearing about why isn't our economy improving. Why are more people not spending money like they were a few years ago. It doesn't take a genius to figure a part of the problem out. Could it be....gasoline?

We are now spending at least 1$ more per gallon of gas. Lets say the average household spends an extra 30$ a week on gas. Now lets take One million households x 30$=$30,000,000 A WEEK going toward gas. 30mil x 4 weeks in a month = $120 mil. 120mil x 12mths=$1,440,000,000 A YEAR is now going toward going to gas and NOT our stores. You and I both know that know that there are more driving households than that AND some households are spending MORE than an extra $30 a week on gas.

So, you tell me....why is our economy not crawling out of the hole its in?

May 29, 2011--blogness

Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine. ~Robert C. Gallagher

I decided to change up my blog. My original plan was to make this more of a picture blog...to post pictures with my thoughts added in. Now, its going to be more of a thought blog with a picture added if I have one relevant. I think this way I may be able to write more often when I have a chance.

I am a female, so who knows how long this will last till I change my mind and take it into another direction again. Tomorrow I could turn it into a political debate blog.....yeah, you know me too well...lol.

I wish I had more time to write, but I'm not upset over the fact that I don't. My kids are more important and so is my sleep. Right now its 12:30am....4 out of 6 kids are up. Isis is currently with Patrick over at Jimmy/Brandys house and Augi, Jman, & Heaven are watching Netflix. I am actually surprised no one is bothering me so I can at least write for a few....wait, spoke too soon, Justice is now demanding my time...so away bloggy you go.

May 28, 2011--Randomness "My huge family".

Families are like fudge - mostly sweet with a few nuts.

The above describes my family more than you will ever know. Some of you may think that is horrible to think while others are standing in ovation because they too have a family like mine.

My mother, Norma, had a ton of siblings. There were 15 that survived and one that died in infancy. (Yeah, I know what ya'll are thinking "Holy wow, that multiplying like rabbits runs in the family".) Needless to say on my moms side of the family, I have an abundance of cousins. Don't ask me to name those off because I have never met about 50% of them.

Now my father, Tony, is one of six. I also know all my cousins from that side as they all lived in the same area as we did. It is because of that I am closer to my dad's side of the family. I grew up spending almost every holiday with that side, along with a lot of weekends and just random get togethers. I'd be lying if I told you I didn't miss it. I miss getting together with all of them more than I could ever explain.

My parents, amazingly, only had three kids. My brothers, Rodney and Tracy, each have three children of their own. I have four nieces and two nephews... that gives my dad (mom passed away five years ago) a total of 12 grandchildren (six boys, six girls). I have one niece and nephew that I've never met. I don't go to Illinois and my brother doesn't bring them to Arkansas.

So, now you see that I have a huge family....not just a big family, but a HUGE family. Of course, for the analogy I started with...if you were to pour us out into a fudge pan, there would only be enough nuts for one or two slices....which is such a good thing..lol.

May 17, 2011...Priorities

No matter what you've done for yourself or for humanity, if you can't look back on having given love and attention to your own family, what have you really accomplished? Lee Iaccoca

When I decided to start my blog back up, I started with the determination of at least writing a blog post twice a week to once a day. I said if I didn't do it, I was being lazy. However, since then, I've come to realize I have better priorities. This blog is and will always be last in the order of things. So if I get a few minutes to write, then so be it, if not, oh well. I'm sure that there are not people out there who's life depends on whether or not I write every week. If there is, please tell me, then I'll try to make time for you too..lol.

My first priority is always to my kids. Now, each of those kids currently has a place in in being first. IE...Brenden's needs come before Heaven's since she is old enough to do a lot of things on her own. The only thing that will disrupt the order is if one child is sick/injured.
If Augi is pouring blood out of his head, I'm not going to tell him to wait to change a diaper...lol.

The rest of the order will include family, my pets (sorry folks, but she is like a 4-legged family member), then my friends, and then everything else in life. I would have to rank myself interchangeable with 2nd and 3rd. If I'm not making sure I'm alright, then there is no point in everything else.

Prioritize folks!
Family+Friends > everything else, including blogs.

Rain Rain Rain--May 2, 2011

Rain is grace; rain is the sky condescending to the earth; without rain, there would be no life.
---John Updike


Rain, you know, its what happens when droplets of water falls from the sky. Sometimes they fall light, sometimes heavy. In big droplets, in small droplets.....its rain all the same.

Don't ask me how much of the wet stuff we have received as I wouldn't be able to give an exact number nor an estimate. I just know that it just keeps falling out of the sky, drenching everything there is outside, and flooding the land. I do know that we are lucky where I am at. We are currently not experiencing the mass flooding problems my hometown area is on the east side of Arkansas. Images of the flooding may be viewed here Kait8.com and here at Star Herald. Its amazing that one small droplet of water combined with millions of its friends can cause such devastation in the form of flooding.

I, only once, have been involved in flooding on a large scale. I want to say it was back in 1982 when we had to be evacuated in boats from my grandfathers house. I remember going from boat to boat to eventually where there was no more water. I then had to wait in my Aunt Lesa's car with her lassie dog for what seemed like an eternity. Its amazing what you can remember when something like that happens. If I am correct on the year, then I was only 4yo at the time, and everything that happened seems as if it was recent.

I guess in the grand scale of things though, even with all the chaos with the flood waters, everyone should still be thankful, especially with the influx of tornadic weather that has consumed the south recently. Loosing ones home can be devastating, but loosing a life/a loved one would be far greater of a tragedy. Material things can be replace, a life can not.

Even so, I do hope the rain stops soon. It seems that we are going to need the second coming of Noah if it doesn't. Of course, maybe this time more people would listen and be willing to board the ship.

April 17, 2011-A minute gone

A minute gone, you have been
never to come back to me again.
True love came, the moment you were born
my life you changed, my life you did adorn.
I held your hand and you held my heart
now your gone and im falling apart.
How am I supposed to be strong
when everything now feels wrong.
What am I supposed to do, how am I supposed to go on
when every minute that passes, you've been another minute gone.

-TSG-

Brooklynn Shay, everyone thought the world of you. You love will live on, in all our hearts. Your momma and daddy will love you forever and a day. Uncle Patrick and I miss you even though we never got to meet you. We hope you and Logan are flying high, spreading your wings and soaring.